I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
