I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
