i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
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he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
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I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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