Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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