he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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