I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
