I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
