It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
