i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
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Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
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Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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