I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
