How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
