I look better un-naked...
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
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I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
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Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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