i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
