he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
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I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
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It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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