i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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