just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
