john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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