you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
my liver is dry heaving
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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