dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
