we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
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He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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