whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
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