her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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