you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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