my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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