Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
