I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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