I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize