Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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