Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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