Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
