the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
