I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize