does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
