he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
