I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
