After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
did you just send me my own nude
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
