last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
you have to choose: penises or morals?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
