i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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