no, he came in my armpit
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
