i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
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In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
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I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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