Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
