You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
