I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
