Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
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