if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
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