The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
