I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
