At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I would ride that face into the sunset
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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