I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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