you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
