she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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