You just made me feel so damn special
I looked at my own cervix.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
