Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
