oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
