he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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