The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
